"Ah Zhi, I am so sad."
The person before me, shrouded in drunken haze, no longer seemed like the most esteemed emperor in the world.
He was like an ordinary man who had lost his beloved. The sorrow in his eyes threatened to drown me.
He looked at me, yet not at me: "Ah Zhi, tell me. Why can't I understand you? Have you… changed, or have you always been this way? It's just that in front of me, you've never been real?"
He had the answer in his heart; indeed, everything had left traces, but he hadn't noticed before.
Or perhaps, even if he had, he was unwilling to admit it.
Only now, when I had crossed his principles, did he have to admit it: "Ah Zhi, you lied to me. You lied to me for so many years. What did you take my love for you to be? I showed you all my good, bad, and even my shameful sides without any concealment. Ah Zhi, why did you lie to me?"
"I'm sorry…"
I think this is all I can say now.
I had no way to explain to him why I had lied.
Yes.
Thinking about it, I could have not lied to him all these years!
I could have honestly let him know this side of me, which would have been better than letting him live a dream, only to gain nothing in the end, right?
"Your Majesty, let me make amends, alright?"
This was perhaps the only thing I could say and do now: "I will change. I will become the Ah Zhi you want. Your Majesty, please don't treat me like this, alright?"
I stepped forward, wanting to take his hand, as I used to.
But he flung it away.
In his eyes, there was no longer any trust for me: "Empress, it is late. Rest early!"
Empress, not Ah Zhi.
Perhaps from today onwards, Ah Zhi had completely died in his heart.
My hand froze in mid-air. For the first time, I felt so close to him, yet utterly unable to touch him.
My heart began to panic.
But the tragedy was, my panic was not because I was about to lose this man who loved me.
I was afraid of how I would manage in the palace without his favor.
Would this hard-won position of Empress be lost just like that?
And he, as if he had seen through my thoughts.
In his eyes, a flicker of mockery and disdain appeared: "Empress, do not worry. You are now carrying the imperial heir. If it is a prince, I will immediately enfeleg him as Crown Prince. I will protect his status, and also the Empress's status."
He closed his eyes and turned his head, not even willing to look at me again: "If the Empress gives birth to a daughter, I will continue to try. Until the Empress is pregnant again and gives birth to a prince. I can also assure the Empress that unless the Empress is unable to conceive, I will not allow any concubine in the harem to be pregnant before the Empress gives birth to the Crown Prince. This way, Empress, are you satisfied?"
Should I be satisfied?
Everything he said and did seemed to be for my consideration as Empress, so I should be satisfied, right?
But what was this feeling of emptiness in my heart?
And what were those words of "dissatisfaction" that were about to be spoken?
No, I couldn't be like this anymore!
I looked at him. For the first time, I felt that this man I had accompanied for so many years was so strange!
He no longer looked at me, turned, and got into bed, not saying another word to me the entire night.
Until I opened my eyes at dawn, he got up and, as a reminder and a warning, told me: "I hope this is the last time the Empress stays awake until dawn like this. The Empress must consider the child in her womb, and the future Crown Prince."
He sat up briskly, but pressed down on my shoulder as I was about to rise: "The Empress must rest well and give me a healthy child."
He left, without the slightest hesitation, and without a single backward glance.
If he had looked back once, he would probably have seen my tears streaming down my face.
If he had seen them, would he have felt even a shred of heartache?
My mother had said that for a woman to rely on tears to keep a man was the most tragic thing.
But now, I probably couldn't even keep him with tears.
Later, as he had said, he would come to my palace when it was time.
When I was seven months pregnant, the former Emperor passed away.
I felt no sorrow in my heart, yet I watched him weep bitterly.
At that moment, I realized that we were truly not the same kind of people.
The former Emperor had not treated him well; he had even hated the former Emperor.
But the dead were gone, and the lamps extinguished. I thought that in his heart now, there was only the father-son affection that had once existed.
And me?
I still hated the former Emperor.
If it weren't for the former Emperor's favoritism towards Mu Han Su, perhaps I would have become Empress long ago.
And there wouldn't have been so many things that happened later.
That night, he did not come to my palace as usual.
His harem was now full, with many concubines. He no longer needed me at night.
Whenever I was alone in the palace, I would think, how wonderful it would be if my belly held a princess!
If it were a princess, he would still come to me.
At least… I would still have a chance to win back his heart through such intimate contact.
However, fate was not in my favor.
After ten months of pregnancy, the Crown Prince was born.
The entire nation rejoiced, but only my heart felt as if it were bleeding.
I had obtained the position of Empress, and become the birth mother of the Crown Prince.
I could see my future, filled with glory.
I had become the pride of my family, achieving everything my mother had hoped for.
But I… had also lost him forever.
The man who would call me "Ah Zhi," my husband.
He no longer loved me.
From that day on, he seemed to have become a more qualified Emperor and Father.
He named the Crown Prince "Mu Cen Zong," perhaps also telling me that the Crown Prince would soon inherit the ancestral temple.
He was gentle and polite to the people, and receptive to the suggestions of his ministers.
He was even kind and gentle to the imperial consorts in the harem.
Only towards me, he was like a thousand-year-old block of Xuan ice.
So cold that even in summer, one could not feel a shred of warmth.
Sometimes, I even felt that he hated me.
He hated me for "killing" his Ah Zhi, and hated me for never being able to give him the Ah Zhi he yearned for.
Even if I pretended to be gentle, after he had seen my darkness, he understood that I was forever not Ah Zhi.
Boundless loneliness and unvented indignation seemed to be swallowing me.
Even with a Crown Prince at my knees, I should have been happy, but my heart felt no joy.
I was still unwilling.
I am the Empress. Must my life be spent like this?
We clearly had such beautiful memories!
Why?
Was it just because of my momentary insincerity that I had to lose all of this?
I was unwilling, I didn't understand!
So, many years after he stopped touching me, I committed my second mistake in life.