My heart, however, felt an unbearable ache, even though the Emperor had spoken thus.
I knew he wasn't absolving me, but rather… he couldn't.
Because I was now the Empress, he could not punish me.
But the more he couldn't, the more my heart began to ache.
“Your Majesty…”
I called out to him softly, “I… your concubine knows she was wrong.”
I hadn’t yet corrected my address, but his eyes seemed not to care.
He raised his gaze, his eyes already hazy with wine.
He asked me, “Ah Zhi, do you still remember that Song Chaoyu saved you? The very first time you met.”
Ah Zhi.
He used to call me that often, but how long had it been since he last did?
If I remembered correctly, it was after I made that mistake.
Suddenly, I understood something in my heart, but I also felt that I had grown even further from the Emperor.
“Ah Zhi.”
He called me that again, “Tell me, what was your feeling when you first saw Song Chaoyu? Have you forgotten everything from back then?”
I hadn't forgotten, and I never would, I couldn't forget.
It was during a palace banquet.
At first, I hadn’t paid much attention to Song Chaoyu.
Although I had heard of her, that she was the illegitimate daughter raised by the Song family and had, for some reason, been brought back to the Song residence these past few days.
In large households, there were always many schemes and filth. It was widely rumored in the capital that her mother was a stage actress from the lowest ranks.
And as the Crown Princess, I naturally wouldn't pay attention to the daughter of an actress.
Yet, the moment I saw Song Chaoyu at the palace banquet, I remembered her.
Because she was special.
She only needed to stand silently in a corner to be different from everyone else.
Despite being such a young girl, I felt as though I saw stories in her eyes that even I couldn't comprehend.
Her clothes were simple, and among the richly adorned ladies, she even appeared somewhat shabby.
But she didn't give off a feeling of shabbiness; instead, she exuded an imposing aura.
Still, I didn't need to pay her too much mind. I merely glanced at her once, then went to speak with others.
So much time had passed; I no longer remembered what I was talking about with whom that day.
All I knew was that later, a young eunuch, lurking suspiciously behind me, tried to push me into the pond!
I didn't know where that young eunuch came from, nor where Song Chaoyu came from.
Undoubtedly, Song Chaoyu saved me.
She held me steady; without her, I would have fallen into that pond and become the laughingstock of the capital.
But that incident wasn't over. If she had only pulled me back, she wouldn't have warranted my remembering her for half my life.
What she truly helped me with was reminding me of the eunuch's origin.
Only then did I realize someone wanted to harm me!
Someone wanted me to fall into the pond, and then, while pulling me up, to tear open my clothes.
I was the dignified Crown Princess; if my clothes were torn open in front of so many people, could I still live in the capital?
I would not only lose my own dignity but also the Crown Prince's honor.
In truth, even now, I don't quite understand why Song Chaoyu knew someone wanted to harm me that day.
But the fact that she saved me had happened.
At that time, I was genuinely grateful to Song Chaoyu.
Because of this, we became closer and closer. I think for a time, our relationship was truly good.
At least… she was more sincere and respectful towards me than most women in the capital.
She never gossiped about me for not having any children after being married to the Crown Prince for many years.
Recalling this, I had already understood the Emperor's intentions.
“I’m sorry.”
Perhaps all I could say now was, “I failed her kindness. I shouldn’t have…”
“Heh—”
Faced with my reaction, the Emperor could only let out a cold laugh, “Then what about Prince Chang? What was your feeling when you first met Prince Chang?”
I didn't want to answer.
But I had to.
Because he was the Emperor, and I was the Empress.
The first time I met Prince Chang was on the day he returned to the capital.
I had always thought he had returned from the Southern Kingdom, and I admired how he managed to survive in that place as a hostage.
But I never expected that the first thing he did after returning to the capital was to come to the Eastern Palace.
My father-in-law hadn't even held a banquet to welcome him, yet he came before the Crown Prince and me.
He dismissed everyone, closed the doors and windows.
And then, before the astonished and surprised eyes of the Crown Prince and me, he slowly stood up from his wheelchair!
I had never imagined he could stand!
And what he said next made me even more incredulous.
He told us, without reservation, that he had never been to the Southern Kingdom.
Someone had gone to the Southern Kingdom in his stead, and all these years, he had been living safely in the manor outside the capital.
Perhaps I should be fortunate now that, due to various concerns, I hadn't told my mother about this.
Otherwise, I believed, the Emperor would have deposed me and immediately killed my mother.
I suddenly realized why the Emperor was asking me to recall these two events.
I lowered my head and said softly, “I have wronged them. When they first met me, they were honest, and even saved my life. They trusted me without reservation, yet I not only betrayed that trust but also wanted to harm them. It is I… who have wronged them!”
I truly knew I was wrong.
But the Emperor's icy gaze remained unchanged.
He said, “Ah Zhi, you know, I have loved you all these years.”
He rarely used words like love, because he was the Crown Prince, and now the Emperor. I thought I would likely never hear more of it in my lifetime.
His eyes held pain, “Because I loved you, I hid nothing. Ah Zhi, I loved your innocence, your steadfastness by my side no matter what. I loved how you looked at the world with the kindest eyes. Just like at the very beginning, when you and Song Chaoyu had just met, you chose to believe her!”
No, I was never truly like that, nor would my mother ever let me be.
It was because we both knew the Crown Prince liked such people that I was like that in front of him.
Upon realizing this, I suddenly understood.
My life would probably end here.
I loved him; I loved him from the moment I first met him.
Being able to marry him was the greatest joy of my life.
I had always thought that even if he weren't the Crown Prince, I would have followed him without hesitation.
Without seeking fame or fortune, without craving power.
However, in the vortex of power, I ultimately could not achieve it.
I had wronged those who cared for me, and I had also wronged myself.