I bribed the imperial physician to tell him I was dying.
I knew he was a sentimental man.
So he would definitely come to see me, and sure enough, I waited for him.
I told him I was dying.
Even in these final days, if he could give me a dream like the ones we used to have, I would be content.
I knew he would.
During that time, I was very happy and very fortunate.
I felt as though we had returned to the past.
He was still the East Palace Crown Prince, always disheartened and suppressed everywhere.
And I was still the Crown Princess who stayed by his side, no matter what.
I must admit, during that time, he truly did very well.
He took care of me everywhere, making all the other consorts envious, and reassuring the court officials that our Emperor and Empress could finally walk hand in hand.
However, I knew that all of this was just a dream.
All I wanted was to have another child with him.
Because I knew that now I only had the Crown Prince. I would protect the Crown Prince with my life, but if anything happened to him, I would be left with no one to rely on for the rest of my life.
I wanted to have another child, a child that belonged to me and the Emperor.
I couldn't keep the Emperor, so I could only keep two children, preserve my lifelong honor, and maintain my position as Empress.
So when he learned of my intentions, I felt no surprise.
I had even prepared myself to endure his anger.
I thought this was my last chance. As long as I could seize this opportunity, it would be enough.
However, he did not get angry.
At least, I did not see any fire in his eyes. His calm demeanor was what truly frightened me.
He stared at me, making me retreat repeatedly. My body couldn't help but tremble.
"Your Majesty..."
I called out to him softly, then knelt before him: "Your Majesty may punish this concubine however he wishes. But this concubine merely wishes to win back Your Majesty's heart. This concubine cannot live without Your Majesty!"
"Heh!"
He merely smiled, but his smile carried a chill of thousands of degrees: "Do you care about me, or your position as Empress? Empress, I should not have held onto any illusions about you. You are not Ah Zhi; you are the Empress. You are not Ah Zhi."
"No, I am Ah Zhi!"
I truly didn't understand. I was still me. Why did he insist on being lost in the past?
"I am Ah Zhi."
I didn't know how to explain this matter anymore.
"You are not Ah Zhi. You will never be Ah Zhi."
The Emperor's hand trembled slightly.
He stood before me, looking down at me: "Empress, this is your choice. I hope you do not regret it. This is also your last chance. If there is a next time, I will definitely depose you."
With that, he flicked his sleeve and left.
Depose me?!
He actually said... he would depose me?!
Perhaps it was at that moment that I finally understood what I had touched.
I didn't understand the Emperor, nor did I understand myself.
Even less did I understand why everything from the past had become like smoke, so distant and unreachable.
How could I win him back?
I pondered day and night, but I couldn't figure it out.
But it didn't matter anymore.
Because, once again, I was pregnant.
I hoped that the child in my womb would be a boy.
This way, if anything happened to the Crown Prince, I would still have a child to secure my position as Empress.
I eagerly hoped that perhaps the Emperor might treat me a little better because of this child.
However, everything was just a wishful thought.
As the baby grew, he stopped coming to see me the two times a month he was supposed to.
He paid no attention to my affairs, nor did he inquire about them.
He cared about the child, but only about the child.
My residence was the most honored place in the vast harem.
But it was also the loneliest place in the vast harem.
It was worse than the cold palace, where one could at least find a clear end to their suffering.
At that time, I thought perhaps I would never understand what the Emperor was thinking in this lifetime.
Until one day—
It was when I was seven months pregnant. The baby was very well-behaved and didn't cause any trouble.
The Emperor had only visited me three times, and each time it was for the child.
That day, I noticed the sunlight outside was perfect.
The palace maids came to carry me, saying that a new batch of imperial consorts had entered the palace. They were personally selected by the Princess of Chang and the Duchess of Ning. I knew the Emperor was very pleased.
Although I was the Empress, during the selection of imperial consorts, they used the excuse of my pregnancy to avoid troubling me, and did not let me attend the selection ceremony. I didn't even know what those imperial consorts looked like.
Then a eunuch came to say that the four imperial consorts finally chosen by the Emperor were currently playing in the Imperial Garden.
For some reason, I just wanted to go and see.
So I walked towards the Imperial Garden and witnessed a scene I would never forget in this lifetime—
Two imperial consorts were playing among the flowers, and the Emperor walked towards them with a smile.
That kind of smile, how many years had it been since I had seen it in the Emperor's eyes?
I couldn't remember anymore.
The Emperor walked towards one of them, then pulled that woman up.
She smiled charmingly, looking at the Emperor with a tenderness like flowing water.
At that moment, I felt as though I saw myself when I was the Crown Princess.
Gentle and kind, radiant and moving.
"Ah Zhi."
I heard the Emperor call her that, and felt as though all the blood in my body had frozen.
But later, I realized that the Emperor called her "Ah Zhi," not "Ah Zhi."
She was the daughter of the Crown Prince's Grand Tutor, named "Jiang Yuezhi."
After entering the palace, she became the Emperor's most favored concubine.
Many people said she resembled me from the past.
But I knew she wasn't.
She only smiled at the Emperor and never thought about her future.
As for me...
I gently stroked my belly, knowing from the beginning what I wanted.
At that time, I felt that I had perhaps lost all hope in the Emperor.
Even though my heart still ached faintly when I occasionally woke from dreams at midnight.
But having these two children was enough, wasn't it?
Until a snowy night when I was eight months pregnant.
The Emperor got drunk at a palace banquet that I did not attend.
The eunuch who came to find me said that the Emperor rarely got this drunk.
It was probably because he was talking about the past with Prince Chang and his consort, especially about how the Princess of Chang had saved me at a palace banquet similar to that day many years ago.
The eunuch said, "Your Majesty, the Emperor has locked himself in the imperial study and is drinking while looking at a portrait. He refuses to see anyone. Won't you go and persuade him?"
Me?
Could I still persuade the Emperor now?
I dismissed the eunuch and originally had no intention of going.
However, lying in bed and listening to the snow falling outside, I don't know why I stood up and sighed, "This consort will go and see the Emperor."
It was difficult to travel on a snowy night, and I was pregnant. The cold that day was something I would remember for many years to come.