Chapter 156: Eminem.exe Installed in My System
Jack cried to Supreme Man like a son of a karen about not getting laid. Mostly because he was suddenly filled with jealousy when Johnson mentioned that the desire to have his hands over me surpassed the fear of going to an unknown territory which is the bathroom of a solitary cell of the prison.
At that, I had no words. I was blank like the chest of a flat breasted woman.
But it was mandatory for me to have words otherwise I can’t let Jack and Johnson hog up all the dialogues and get me cancelled.
So...
"Jack, can you please not think about sex? At least not until we are out of this prison?"
"I can’t help it, pal. I got so jealous of you. You are getting offers from left and right and I can’t even screw a wall because I will pass through it! What kind of life am I living? I can peek at women but can’t do anything while peeking at them. After becoming a ghost, I can get a constant boner but no relief at all! I have been suffering from blue balls since the moment I died! I hate this."
"... Alright. First things first." I raised my finger at Jack. "Did you try to screw a wall once?"
"Yes. Heck, I try to screw it daily!"
"Why!?"
"Because I have heard the walls have ears so I wanted to feel anything resembling a hole. I have been trying to find the ears of the wall for seventy years!"
"Dude, that is an idiom. Walls don’t have ears for real. If they had and if they heard you just now, they would crumble on their own to protect their dignity."
Jack’s shoulder dropped. "So you are saying even the walls would have refused me?"
He sniffed. His shoulders trembled. He began crying for fucks sake. Did my words hit him that much? Fine. I’ll be less harsh now.
"Yes. Even the walls would have refused you. And that’s humiliating on another level because they only have ears, not eyes. They would have refused you even without seeing your face because they would have judged by your voice and talks alone that you don’t deserve to even paint on them. The walls would rather let spiders have an orgy on them but not you."
...
Jack’s eyes locked on me.
He gawked at me like a feminist who was asked to get up from her seat in the aeroplane by a man just because he was a pilot and she was sitting in the cockpit.
[ I thought you said you’ll be less harsh? ]
’I was though’
[ That was you being less harsh? You basically told him that even a plain structure made of concrete and bricks would not allow themselves to be touched by him. ]
’Yes. That’s exactly what I said.’
[ Why!? And who are you to say that? You are no better than him. If walls really had ears then they wouldn’t have allowed you too. They wouldn’t let you even place your hand on them. You are only one level lower than Jack in perversion but that level is still higher than most of the sexual offenders. The fact that you are even in this competition with Jack in being a pervert is already proof enough that you can’t be allowed to roam freely in the society. ]
’... Forget everything and tell me this. Who hired you?’
[ What do you mean? ]
’You fucker, no way someone who is in my team would speak such ill of me. Even the girls whose skirts I have lifted in an electronics repair shop under the pretense that my hairdryer is broken so it blows air out of nowhere never spoke so low of me.’
[ See? You have lived your life on the edge of being neutered by the whole woman community and you are out here roasting a ghost for being just an upgraded version of yourself. ]
I caught Jack holding back a laugh at this. He was sad but he still found time to laugh at me. And that stung.
’Alright. That’s enough. Anymore and I’ll hang myself on the next ceiling fan I see.’
[ Promise? ]
This fucker.
Where did you take inspiration from to make this system, Supreme Man? Did you install Eminem’s rap battle package in it?
And I know you can also hear all this narration, system. And since Jack couldn’t hear this, I’ll tell you why I said all that to Jack.
[ Bark. ]
My jaw clenched.
This system is going out of hands now. I’ll eat a bat and spread corona virus here to corrupt this system.
[ Wow. You are an idiot. If you spread corona virus to corrupt me, you’ll die first, you Einstein’s dandruff fucker. You won’t get a vaccine here and you are not strong enough anymore to defend against it. And you won’t even find the balls to eat a bat in the first place. ]
...
I give up.
I can’t believe my biggest hater is the voice in my head. I can’t even succeed at the law of attraction because of it. ’Cause this voice would keep reminding me of my humble beginnings of being a sophisticated molester and I would never be able to grow out of it to become a big shot.
[ You want to become a big shot? In what? Molesting? A big shot molester? ]
’No! Wha—why? Why would I become something like that!?’
[ I don’t know. You might want to see how it’s like to be on top. ]
’I have no intentions of reaching the pinnacle of being hunted down by police and rapists who rape the rapist to save the girl from being raped.’
[ Now you are just talking gibberish. ]
Forget it. Hear me out first.
I said all those things to Jack so that he could mourn over it, that is, he stays silent for a while before I could finish the matters with Johnson. I had no hard feelings for him, emphasis on hard, I just want him quiet. Get it, system?
[ I see. Sure. Do whatever the hell you want. But don’t forget, your foot is on fire. Your whole leg would be burned if you wasted more time. Though, you have wasted enough time but the fire still hasn’t spread to your whole body. I guess, it’s one of those times when plot armor wakes up and logic sleeps. ]
’Don’t spoil the secrets, bitch. Shut up.’
[ I can spill one more secret. ]
I frowned. ’What? If it’s about why there was a hole in my pillow then don’t spill it.’
[ No. The secret is something else. ]
’What is it?’
[ Hehe. The secret is... ]
I gulped.
The system laughed like a villain of a bollywood movie who takes the hero’s mother as a hostage to run away in climax.
But alas, I expected too much from the system.
The secret was...
[ There is no secret. That was said just to make a failed attempt at creating a cliffhanger because no one knew how to end this shit for today. ]