Chapter 154: This Isn’t the Water I Ordered
I asked Johnson where he got the water from? He took so much time I would believe he was trying to make a woman orgasm, as only that could explain the large amount of time he took. I also thought that he stored whatever the woman squirted in a bucket and came running here.
But Johnson said he went to the bathroom of this prison for the first time and saw three taps, rusting like a fat woman’s vagina because no one gave her a fuck. Literally.
He opened the first tap, nothing happened.
He opened the second one, the tap ejaculated spiders. If this was multiverse I would have believed the tap was also a version of spiderman. Spiderman: Home without water bill paid.
And then, I thought Johnson finally got water from the third tap, but he said from the third tap...
"A freaking severed unicorn head came out!"
"Da fuck!?"
I exclaimed because I hadn’t expected that at all. It’s like an Onlyfans model saying that she found a man who was willing to marry her.
"A unicorn head came out? Like how? Like what?" I asked for details.
Johnson shuddered, shaking his whole body as if he was practicing being a vibrator because it got more action than him.
"I opened the third tap, few brown hairs popped out. I thought the hairs were clogging the water, so I started pulling them out. It took more strength than I expected but I didn’t give up. I pulled. I pulled and pulled and pulled and then I heard a breaking sound."
I know where it is going.
Johnson shivered and stared at me with wide eyes.
"The whole tap came out and I wouldn’t have paid it mind if it was just the tap that had come out."
"Tell me." I said, as curious as the cat who died, and Johnson cried:
"With the tap came out the severed unicorn head! Its wide eyes looked at me, lifeless and since I wasn’t expecting that shit at all, my heart leaped out of my chest and I vomited right there and then!"
I frowned. "How is that even possible? How can an unicorn head fit inside the tap in the first place? And you said you pulled some brown hair from the tap. Unicorns don’t have brown hairs. They have white. Is someone making you say all this just for a failed attempt at comedy?"
"No!" Johnson shouted as if I just called him straight. "It was a unicorn head. I know it. There was a golden horn on its forehead."
"Then how do you explain the brown hairs?"
"Those hairs were on the unicorn’s mouth and the bastard was clenching them between his teeth as if they were his mother’s tities! So of course when I pulled them, his whole head came out."
"What?" Now I was more confused. Like a toddler who tried to pinch his dad’s nipples but nothing came out. "How did those hairs happen to be in the unicorn’s mouth?"
"Wait—" I suddenly had a terrifying thought.
I looked at Johnson. "How were those hairs?"
"They were brown. I just told you!"
"No, you unicorn rizzling idiot. I mean how was the texture of the hairs? Their style, structure. Tell me."
"Do you think I am some kind of hair specialist? And I almost shit my pants seeing that head coming out, do you think I would pay attention to the fucking texture of the hairs?!"
I sighed. "Look, I know we both will hate it but I want to clear something out. This world has many things out of my expectations and I want to know if this incident is also one of those."
"You want to know if this incident is out of your expectations? You motherfucker, a literal unicorn head came out of a tap and you still want to know if this is out of your expectations? What kind of expectations do you have in mind if this is not unexpected for you?"
"Believe me, it could get worse. So just try to remember those hairs. You can puke if you get an urge down the memory lane."
Just then—
"Yes. You can puke. And I have a special offer for you.. Puke on my body."
Jack striked again.
I glanced at him. With eyes that said ’Really?’
"You were silent all this time. But spoke just when I mentioned puke. Do you only react to fetishes? And you are fine with getting puked but not with getting burned? Did you come out of the dustbin or something?"
"Oh. How did you know that, pal? Yes. I was picked from the dustbin."
Shit.
I forgot he was an orphan.
But dude, I can’t even find one ounce of pity for him.
He can be used for anti-orphans advertisements. I mean, if people saw that orphans could turn up like him when they grow up, parents would either stop abandoning their children or decide to never have unprotected sex.
Anyway, I didn’t have time for Jack right now.
"Stay silent for a second, Jack. We are discussing something mind-bending here."
[ Yeah right. Unicorn having brown hairs inside its mouth. Truly mind-bending. Nolan should take pointers from this. ]
’... Okay. Maybe not mind-bending but surely interesting. And don’t take real names. You are just a system, I will face problems if they get offended.’
[ Whatever. ]
The system went silent, despite its evident fed-upness with me.
I focused on Johnson again and he shivered from time to time remembering the ordeal. Just how much an unicorn traumatized him?
"Tell me, Johnson. What were the hairs like?" I asked.
Johnson jolted his head at me and with one more shiver, he said:
"They were curly."
My heart sank. Like how a bean bag sinks when a fat woman sits on it.
What I was afraid of came true.
I already felt my skin crawl just by thinking about it and Johnson saw the discomfort on my face.
"What is it? Why are you making that kind face?" he asked.
I stared at him, serious.
"Johnson, hear me out. Don’t panic. I could be wrong."
"What? What are you talking about?" Johnson had no clue but he became tense like a horse who got to know humans bet millions on him.
But I have to tell Johnson.
"You told me that seeing an unicorn head is already as unexpected as it is. But I know, there is always something more sinister waiting in the corner. It’s the jokes that double down are the ones that go viral."
Johnson held his head. "What the fuck you are on about?"
I sighed. "Those brown hairs on the unicorn’s mouth were nothing but..."
Drifting my gaze to the zip of Johnson’s pants, I said it. The brows hairs were nothing but...
"Pubic hair."
Johnson heard me.
Jack’s eyes widened.
I only focused on Johnson as he would be the one most affected by the reveal.
Unicorn’s hairs are white, so the brown hairs couldn’t belong to it and since the head was in the bathroom, it would mean people used to go in there and God forbid, they might be doing some glory hole stuff using the unicorn head under the pretense of tap and one day, one man must have gotten extra excited and pushed deeper making his hairs stuck there forever and he probably got a love bite that made his ejaculation red for the first and last time.
Johnson stared at me.
I stared at him.
"Are you sure?" He asked, his eyes wide.
I nodded.
He went silent once more but his shiverings slowed down.
Then his eyes slowly came to their normal size.
I knitted my brows and before I could ask him, he told me himself:
"Oh. So they were just pubic hairs. I thought they were some kind of dandruff filled hair. Thanks, I got over the worry about the hairs at least."
...
I should have known.