Chapter 440: "Are you sick?"
He walked out of his chamber and made his way to hers. He didn’t even knock, as he knew she wouldn’t hear him with her fear of the night storm. He opened the door and walked into the room. Just like he had expected, his wife-to-be was curled up inside her blanket on the bed, jumping slightly when a loud thunderclap echoed in the sky.
He made his way toward her and carefully reached out, lifting up the blanket from the side. Then he used his right foot to pull off his left shoe and did the same with the other before getting on the bed, crawling close to her.
She immediately stopped shivering and peeked her head out from under the blanket to look at him where he had settled himself next to her on the bed. Without words, she moved closer and leaned her head against his chest, one of her arms draped around his torso to hold him tightly.
"Why didn’t you come to me when the thunder got louder?" Rav asked quietly, leaning his chin against her hair and trying to block his senses that were becoming abnormally aware of the scent of her flesh, the rhythm of her heartbeat, like enticing food calling to a buried hunger inside him, one that no amount of blood had been quenching lately.
Whenever he took blood, it came back right away without settling in his stomach. His body was repelling it, and everything else.
He had avoided her for that reason. He was becoming something he knew but refused to accept, because acceptance would mean turning his back on everything and going away. But he didn’t want to turn his back on her, not when he had promised to be a better husband than Josh.
"I noticed how you always flinch when I try to speak or touch you... so I thought you wanted space. That’s why I didn’t come to your room," Evenly replied softly, adjusting her head against him and feeling his arm tighten around her.
She didn’t want to cling or make him feel as though she was pushing and suffocating him with her desires to always be where he was.
"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that," Rav apologized, his voice heavy and low.
"Are you sick, Rav?" Evenly lifted her head to look at his face, which was so pale it looked like light itself in the dim room.
Rav was silent for a moment. He was more than sick. His heart had started to turn corrupt slowly, changing him into a creature that would soon begin to live on flesh and become savage. He had known since the moment he first coughed out blood, but he hadn’t wanted to believe it, not until this moment when he found the scent of flesh enticing.
When he lost his son and family, Rav had hoped and wished for death to claim him. But the truth was, he had been afraid of dying. And now that he was finally letting go of his past grief and pain, finally daring to move on, death had caught up to him at last.
Had he known, he would never have given Evenly any hope of him being in love with her or wanting to marry her. Had he—
"Rav?" She pushed up on one elbow and reached out, her right hand touching his cold cheek, causing him to look at her. "Tell me, is something wrong?"
Though Evenly could sense that something was deeply bothering him, she was completely unaware of the symptoms of becoming a rogue, unable to recognize them on him.
Rav raised his hand and placed it over hers on his face, then shook his head. "There’s nothing wrong. We should sleep," he whispered, fighting the burning and tightening sensation crawling up his throat.
Evenly stared down at his face, her eyes tracing his pale lips and cheeks. "I want to see you turn crimson. I don’t want to sleep." She leaned down and pressed her lips against his, running her tongue along his tightly sealed mouth, asking for entrance.
Please open up to me. I don’t like to see you like that, pale and withdrawn. I like to see you blush shyly and smile. Open up to me, please...
I shouldn’t. I’m dying slowly. I don’t want to die. I want to experience loving a woman who loves me equally. I want to have a different and better life. But I don’t want to hurt you, Evenly. I like you... more than like you. I... love you.
Each thought lived in their minds, silent and desperate, unable to give voice to the words buried in their hearts.
Rav tightened his hold around her waist as he opened his mouth to her kiss, his hand trailing from her back up to the nape of her neck, holding her there as he returned her kiss deeply. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he knew he would have to, or else she would live in grief after he was gone. He didn’t want her to carry the same hurt he had when he lost his son. He didn’t want her to hold on to him when she could someday move on with another man and find happiness.
He didn’t want to tie her down to him when he would soon be gone. It was best to set her free before that time came.
But Rav didn’t think again when she moved from her side and came up, straddling his middle while still kissing him, her hands working to undo his buttons and slide over his bare chest.
"Touch me, Rav..." she whispered against his mouth. And he did as she wished. He didn’t just touch her, he kissed her like it was the last time, because deep inside, he felt it might truly be.
He made love to her, and she opened to him completely. And afterwards, while she drifted asleep curled up in his arms, Rav lay awake and cried silently through the night.