Chapter 163: Two Kinds of Loss
"Sooo..." I dragged the word out, side-eyeing her as we walked. "You gonna, like... check up on Ian too?"
June snapped her head at me so fast. "Excuse me? And why the hell would I do that?"
I shrugged. "Uh, maybe because his best friend literally just died and he might need... I don’t know... a shoulder to cry on? Or a girl they like to... console them?"
"Ash. No. Don’t even start. Don’t even put that image in my brain."
I grinned. "What? I’m just saying the truth."
June groaned, pulling her hoodie strings so tight. "Stop. Stop it right now. You’re so annoying. I’m not checking on him. Why are you like this?"
"Because I’m right," I held my hands up. "C’mon, Juney. You literally kissed him. You replayed it a hundred times in your head. Don’t even try..."
"That kiss meant nothing. Nothing. It was... I don’t know. A lapse in judgment. A trauma response. Whatever."
"Not you calling it a trauma response. Girl, you liked it."
Her eyes widened. "ASH. Don’t say that. He’s literally... Ian. He’s the king of chaos. He’s...ugh. He’s hot, okay, fine. Whatever. You happy?!"
I clutched my chest dramatically. "Finally. Progress."
She groaned.
"So what about Ren then? You checking up on him?"
Her face did this twisty thing, like she wanted to roll her eyes and cry at the same time. "Ash, no. Ren has a girlfriend now. She gets the privilege of checking up on him, not me. That’s literally her job description."
"Damn," I muttered. "So you’re just... what? Gonna avoid him forever? Sounds like you still wanna check on him though."
She groaned louder, throwing her head back. "I can’t check on him, Ash! God, I hate how much that hurts to say."
That one actually made my chest squeeze a little. "Juney..." I said softer.
But she kept spiraling. "Like, what am I supposed to do? Text him? ’Hey, sorry your best friend died, btw do you still think about me when you kiss her?’ No thanks!" She flung her hands in the air, almost smacking a kid passing by.
I tried so hard not to laugh, but a snort slipped out. "That would be iconic though."
She shot me a death glare, then shoved me with her shoulder. "You’re the worst."
"Maybe," I smirked. "But I’m also right. This is awkward as hell, Juney."
She hugged her arms tighter, staring at the floor as we walked. "I don’t know. I don’t wanna think about him. It already feels like someone ripped my chest open and set it on fire. Don’t make me pour gasoline on it."
I glanced at her. "You’re definitely writing the saddest song of the year."
Her eyes snapped wide. "Shit. The song."
I blinked. "What?"
"The talent show!" she squeaked, pulling at her hair. "Ash, I completely forgot I’m supposed to perform with Ren. How the hell am I supposed to stand on stage with him when I can barely breathe thinking about him?"
I almost laughed at the panic in her voice, but she looked so wrecked I just nudged her gently. "You’ll survive, Juney. You always do. And honestly?" I smiled, softer this time. "I trust you. You’ve got this."
She groaned, dragging her hands down her face. "Ash, I can’t even look at him right now without wanting to throw up or cry or both at the same time."
"Okay, valid," I said, biting back a laugh. "But you’ve also seen Ian naked and lived to tell the tale, so clearly you’re built different."
Her face went red instantly. "ASH! Shut up!"
I cackled, dodging her smack. "What? I’m just reminding you of your superpower. You can survive one Ren duet."
She buried her face in her hoodie, groaning. "Fine. But if I crash and burn, I’m blaming you."
"Fair enough." I grinned, slinging an arm over her shoulder as we neared the stairs. "First though, let’s go find Marcus before you spiral into writing sad songs in the hallway."
She sighed, and nodded as we walked down the hallway.
I grinned, about to fire back another dumb joke, but then we turned the corner straight into the cluster of kids huddled around Liam’s locker.
The laughter in my throat just... died.
Liam’s ice hockey jersey hung over the handle, number 17 staring back at us like it was haunting the hallway.
June froze beside me. The hoodie strings she’d been tugging slipped out of her fingers. She stared so hard a tear dropped from her eyes.
After school, the hallways were thinning out, lockers slamming shut one by one. That’s when we spotted Marcus.
He was at his locker, ripping books out like they’d personally offended him, shoving them into his bag with way too much force.
"Marcus," I said, soft enough that it almost got lost in the hallway echo.
No reaction. He zipped his bag so hard the zipper screamed, and slammed the locker shut.
"Marcus, please...." June’s voice cracked halfway through his name.
This time he turned. Not fully. Just enough to
slice us with a glare colder than anything I’ve ever felt.
"Don’t. Just... don’t." His jaw was locked so tight it was like the words were fighting to escape. "You both made your choice. Now live with it."
My throat went dry. June’s mouth opened, like she wanted to throw something back, an apology, anything. But Marcus was already walking away.
"Marcus!" I tried again, looking desperate.
He stopped. Not to look at us. Just to dig into his bag. And that’s when I saw it...an envelope, half-crumpled from his grip.
June noticed too. "What’s that?" she asked.
He didn’t even look at us, he just stared at the floor like he was deciding whether to spit in our faces or cry.
Then he turned slowly, his eyes were red.
"It’s a transfer letter. I’m leaving Blackwell."
I couldn’t breathe. Leaving? He was leaving?
"What?" I whispered, because my brain couldn’t process it properly.
Marcus laughed...a laugh that wasn’t a laugh, more like he was choking on the taste of his own bitterness.
"Why stay? To keep watching my so-called best friends drool over the same people who made my life hell? Who ruined me when I was twelve? Who shoved me into lockers and made me feel like dirt every single day?" His voice cracked, but he didn’t stop.
"I told you both what they did to me. I told you guys that everything. I trusted you. And still..." His voice cracked, his hand started shaking, but he kept going, "out of everyone, it had to be them. Them."
All I could think was...he’s right. He’s right. I chose Dominic. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean for it to hurt like this, but I did.
June’s face crumbled. "It’s not like that..."
"Yes, it is," Marcus cut in. "You picked them. Maybe not with words, but you did."
I felt sick. My stomach twisted so hard I thought I might puke right there. Because he wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t wrong, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
He looked between us one last time, like he was taking in the betrayal, then shoved the envelope back into his bag. "I’m done here."
And he walked away.
And I didn’t stop him. Because what could I even say? Sorry I broke your heart for someone who never even saw your pain? Sorry I chose the guy who represents everything you hate? Sorry I ruined everything?
Because there are two kinds of loss. One when someone dies.
And one when they’re still breathing, still right there....but they choose to shut you out anyway.
And watching Marcus walk away, it felt like both.
I never intended to hurt my bestfriend. God, if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that.
Hurting Marcus was never supposed to be part of the story. He’s been my best friend since forever.....through the ugly, through the stupid, through the nights I thought the world hated me and he proved it didn’t.
He was the one constant. The one person who always stayed.
He’s the kind of person you don’t risk. The kind of person you don’t break.
And yet... I did.
I never meant for it to be Dominic. I never planned it, never looked at him and thought, yeah, this is worth shattering the only friendship that’s ever mattered to me. But love doesn’t ask permission, it doesn’t care about history or loyalty....it just barges in, wrecks everything you thought was solid, and suddenly your heart’s beating for someone it shouldn’t. That’s what happened. It just... happened.
Maybe loving Dominic meant failing Marcus, even if I never meant it to.
And now I’m stuck in the worst place anyone could ever be: standing between the person who’s been my anchor since day one, and the person who makes my heart beat faster.
Now it’s come down to this: Love versus friendship. Both too big. Both too heavy. And choosing one feels like killing the other.
I always thought, foolishly, I could have both.
I wanted Marcus to stay, to laugh with me, to tell me stupid stories, to be the home I could always run back to. And I wanted Dominic, too...the way he makes me feel like maybe I’m allowed to be wanted, allowed to be seen.
But now Marcus looks at me like I’ve already chosen. Like I put a knife straight through what we had.
I can feel the space between us widening, turning into something I don’t know if I can ever cross again.
And the thought of losing him.... losing the boy who’s been my family, my safe place, my everything....it wrecks me.
Because Dominic might have my heart. But Marcus? He’s always had my soul.
And I don’t know how to live with it.